Remember in the last update when I said that my wife wanting a baby was serious business? Well, actually, it's far worse than I thought.

Faithful readers may remember that my wife got a little antsy about marriage when her two best friends, K-san and S-san, both got married at more or less exactly the same time. So now, you're probably figuring that either K-san or S-san got knocked up, which is making my wife antsy about the parenthood thing. You would be close, but continuing with the "God Is Conspiring Against Me" theory - actually its something completely different.

Despite the usual Japanese tendency to get a newlywed wife knocked up as soon as possible, both K-san and S-san don't have any buns in the oven yet. Apparently, with S-san's husband working the typical life of a Japanese salaryman, he comes home tired on the weekdays and unable to do anything*, therefore the two only have sex on the weekends. So, no baby yet.

*While I suppose this is a decent sex life, it goes against my fundamental theory of "If I Can, I Will." The theory goes a little something like this - if I can, I will. It really doesn't matter what state I'm in - dead tired, sleepy, drunk, sick, injured, melancholy, emo, retrospective, whatever. I can be on the brink of death - as long as I can rise to the occasion, I'll do it. I didn't even let my broken collarbone break my stride. I think this is the result of me being sexually frustrated all throughout high school, and college for the most part. I'm like a starving Ethiopian child - can't turn your nose up at whatever scraps might come your way, because you never know when the next meal is gonna be.

K-san is a bit different - she and her hubby only average sex once every two months! Much like S-san's husband, K-san's husband is often too tired from work to even want to attempt sex, and the few times he might be up for it then K-san is tired from work. K-san speculates that her husband is getting his fix at sex shops and brothels, or even perhaps some cute coworker who had too much too drink at the last company party. "As long as he doesn't get sloppy and I find out about it" she cooly says. Is K-san yet another Japanese woman who turned cold after getting the ring on her finger? Not necessarily.

Talking to her, I could see there was still a perverted fire in her eyes (we know our own kind). The three of us (me, wife, K-san) had gone out for dinner and drinks one day. Eventually the conversation turns to sex, and K-san confesses her once-every-two-months rate. It was funny, because I could clearly see both girls holding back their true pervert potential.

K-san: Yeah, we're both tired, so it really only works out to maybe once every two months or so...but I'm completely fine with that. (<-- This is a complete lie, methinks)
Wife: Well, we're still around maybe 3 times a week or so (this is a definite lie, I'm rushing her shit down on a daily basis if possible), but I think we're going to calm down really soon....
Me: *Metal Gear Solid ! appears over my head*
Wife: I think that's for the best.
K-san: *looking at me* I don't think your husband is on the same page with you here.
Me: *shaking my head desperately* Yeah, what's up with this "calm down" talk?
K-san: *looks at me again, but this time taking in my entire body size, and then to my wife* Well, good luck...

A few minutes later, K-san goes to the bathroom.

Me: Um, did you really mean that about "calm down"?
Wife: Of course not! But, I can't look too perverted in front of my friends...
Me: If you can't be pervy with your friends, who can you be pervy with? Besides, I think K-san is just as perverted, if not more so, than you.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, we've been talking about sex for awhile, right?
Wife: Yeah...
Me: Yeah. Both you and I have tried to change the topic several times, but have you noticed that its always K-san who brings us back to the sexual discussion?
Wife: Yes, I have noticed that!
Me: I mean me - a guy - I've been trying to not talk about sex and she's the one who keeps bringing it up!
Wife: Well, maybe she's just frustrated because she's not getting any.
Me: Yeah, maybe. You know, if you wanted to help out your friend, I'm sure I could lend a hand and do what I could.....OW! Man, I didn't know you could punch so hard...

Anyway.....what was I talking about? Oh yeah, wife's baby craze. So yeah, neither S-san or K-san are close to making babies, despite it being them who sort of triggered the wife's "gotta get married!" instinct. If not them...then who? Here comes a new challenger.

Let me tell you about R-san.

R-san is the wife's third best friend. Where K-san and S-san were getting married and settling down, R-san was still living the single life. She lived at home, worked at a hair salon, and had a boyfriend who worked at a bar here in Kyoto. The last time we saw R-san was at a New Year's party. She and her boyfriend were drinking it up and having a good time. The boyfriend saw fit to drop his pants several times throughout the night, giving us all candid views of things we didn't want to see.

Wife: R-san, I'm so sorry I saw that.
R-san: What, that? Oh, that's nothing at all!
Wife: But that...tool...belongs to you, and I didn't want to see it.
R-san: Oh, I don't care! Besides...the tool you get to use is probably a whole lot stronger, isn't it?
Wife: *silly female giggle*
Me: Ya'll aren't talking about hammers and power drills, are you?

The wife runs into R-san during her lunch break earlier this week.

Wife: R-san! It's been a while! Why are you in this area?
R-san: Oh, I live here now. Together with my boyfriend.
Wife: ....Wha?
R-san: We're going to get married pretty soon.
Wife: ...Wha?!
R-san: I'm 5 months pregnant with his child!
Wife: .....WHAT?!

Later, she told me about the encounter.

Me: Wow, that's quite a radical turn of events in the past 5 months.
Wife: Yeah, really! But you know, she looked really happy.
Me: Yeah?
Wife: Yeah...living with her man, marriage soon, baby on the horizon...it was like the ultimate female happiness.
Me: ...I see.
Wife: *looks at me with anime-like sparkles in her eyes*
Me: ...Fuck!
Wife: C'mon, how about July? That's 2 months before the wedding, I won't be big yet so it'll be fine!
Me: I do not want you knocked up at the altar!
Wife: ...July. Definitely July.
Me: Have I told you about my plans to go celibate?
Wife: Ok, I KNOW that's a lie.
Me: ...I can't even pretend its not.

So...yeah, the baby heat's been turned up a few notches. I'm not really worried about her getting pregnant before I'm good and ready - she doesn't want to use any underhanded tactics to impregnate herself, and I know I can control things on my end. I'm more worried about the subsequent hurricane that's going to come when I don't intentionally impregnate her. I do want kids, absolutely, but I'd like to at least wait until after the wedding. And save some money up, we can't even afford the wedding as is. My wife is pretty frugal ordinarily, but in this instance she's got the baby blinders on hardcore.

Me: Hey sweet, Grand Theft Auto IV is out.
Her: Another video game? Don't you already have plenty?
Me: I don't have this one.
Her: Yeah, but that's $60 for - what - just going around, killing people and committing crimes? Do you really need to spend that money now?
Me: Well, I suppose I could wait for a little while...
Her: Good. Now, about that baby...
Me: ...And speaking of money, you know children are expensive, right? Like, a bajillion times more expensive than a video game.
Her: You can't really compare the two. A game is just something stupid you do to kill time. A baby is the product of our love. You can't put a price tag on that.
Me: No, but you sure can put a price tag on the product of our love's college tuition.

Amazing how life changes, isn't it? In 5 short months, K-san goes from being a young and carefree girl to an expectant mother and soon-to-be wife. In just 5 short years, I've changed the nature of my game from keep the tiny little hands off my penis and outta by asshole, to keep my sperm outta my wife's eggs. You just never know what curve-ball life is gonna throw at you next.

Yes, despite reports to the contrary, I was not dead these past two months. No, rather, the next best thing - I've been working like a Japanese salaryman. Not that I'm putting in long hours anymore, but I no longer have the time to write articles in secret at my desk. I don't always have the luxury to do them at home either. I'd been thinking "Man, I really want to update the site!", but a whole week would go by without me being able to do anything, and the next thing I knew it was a whole two months. Man, time flies.

So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what's been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.

***

Yes, I am actually married now.

"But wait," many of your are saying, "didn't you say September?" Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend...well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I'd had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. ...There really wasn't anything I could say otherwise.

Her: Let's go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We've still got time.
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn't say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won't be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: ....What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^

So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans...so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn't much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I'm having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn't devoted to bills, and even then I'm not sure I'll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that's only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship...so I'm not sure what to do in that regard yet.

Continue reading "System Update"

When I first started my job, I didn't do the translations - I merely checked translations done by other people. The people who were primarily doing the translations were Japanese. As many of you can probably guess, this lead to some hilarious Engrish.

Not to take away from the translators abilities. Japanese and English just don't directly match up, and anyone translating into their non-native language is bound to encounter a few problems. But still, these lines struck me as funny, so I wanted to showcase them. ...Also, in a lot of cases, I think the original Japanese was pretty screwy as well.

And one final note - while the translations for clothes catch-copy sometimes provided for great entertainment, the ones I'm focusing on here are all related to condoms, lube, and sex products. Why? Cause I'm a huge perv. Er, man. Same difference.

***

Continue reading "Very Lost in Translation"

Hey all. Nothing new for Gaijin Smash today, but as I did write a new editorial for Outpost Nine, I thought that those of you who are truly bored at work might want to check it out. Keeping Men Happy is what its called, and its the first dating/relationship themed ed I've done in awhile. Check it out if you're interested, and as more interesting (Japan-themed) stuff happens I'll keep GS updated as well.

As OP9 doesn't feature a comments system, I'll leave them activated on this post for those of you who'd like to add your $0.02 to the discussion.

Reading my mailbox lately, again I've been noticing many of the same questions popping up over and over again.

Yes, I do read all my mails. I'm terrible about replying, but if people are taking the time out to write me, the least I can do is read it. I usually think "I'll reply later when I have time", and before I know it six months have elapsed. If it makes you all feel any better, my own mother often complains that I don't answer her emails frequently enough. My own mother!

Anyway, as I'm noticing the same questions popping up over and over, I thought I might like to devote another editorial for a FAQ. Saves everybody time if I answer questions here.

***

Continue reading "Questions, Comments, Concerns"

I woke up Saturday morning in a hospital bed, vomit stains on my shirt, with my company president and my supervisor standing over me. As I start to sit up, the president stops me - "Don't get up. You're not wearing any pants." I look down, and sure enough, I am naked from the waist down.

And this is a very curious thing. I mean, its one thing to wake up in a hospital bed and have no idea how you got there...but to do so with no pants? How, exactly, does that happen? I was going to have to backtrack a little bit. Today was Saturday...what did I do on Friday night?

That's right...I went out drinking with my co-workers. It wasn't an official company party, but quite a few people ended up going, including our president. We went to a restaurant owned by a neighborhood friend of one of the employees. I'll call this woman...Cindy*. Cindy has a reputation for being quite the drinker around the office, so most of us were kind of bracing for a wild night from her. Also, when she gets drunk, she has a habit of flirting with me heavily, and making all sorts of innuendo towards what would happen between the two of us if I didn't have a girlfriend already. I should point out that Cindy is married; however her husband never seems to come up in the discussions of "I love Az."

*Yes, I know my nicknames are no longer creative. I do not care.

While I'm explaining Cindy, I need to add a word about my supervisor. If you'll recall from the Work Barbecue editorial, this is the same woman who fed me generous amounts of beer and whiskey. She happens to have the same first name as Cindy, so I'll call her Boss Cindy. I find her to be a very, very attractive woman. I think the feeling is somewhat mutual, but for various reasons (not the least of which, my FIANCE) we both hold back. At the restaurant, to accommodate our large group two tables had been moved together. Originally, I sat at one table with both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy, but as the night went on Married Cindy began to make her way down to the other table. This is an important logistics point, so remember it. Also keep in mind that both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy can drink a lot of alcohol.

Continue reading "You Are What You Drink"

Aside from Doris, I sit across from another Chinese lady. She's one of those women who is just blissfully ignorant of anything and everything even remotely perverted or not 100% pure of thought. It sort of amazes me - in the case of, say, Ultimate Sweetness*, it's believable because she's so young, so you figure she hasn't been on this Earth long enough to be exposed to the grimy, dirty stuff. This woman though is in her 40's/50's though, so I have to wonder how she managed to live so long and be totally ignorant of these things. Does China lock their women up in basements, only to let them out for marriage and the occasional plastic surgery?

*Speaking of Ultimate Sweetness and perversion, among the ads that rotate on Empornium, one features a girl who, facially, looks very similar to Ultimate Sweetness. Needless to say, every time this ad comes up its more than a bit jarring. Its made especially worse by the fact that said girl is taking a large cock up her ass. ...I realize the potential for gut-busting kancho-related humor here, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's wrong on every conceivable level, and every time I see that ad my dick retreats like the French, and I'm forced to click away to a website featuring the results from the latest Catholic Nun bowling tournament or something.

How innocent is this woman? Well, once around my desk, me and the guys were talking about drink toasts in the different languages. The Korean guy I sit next to, well known as the established pervert (which is an impressive feat to do in a Japanese workplace, let me tell you...) points out that in English, we "ching" our glasses together. Loyal and astute readers may remember my mistake during my schoolteacher days, when I said "ching" to a group of schoolgirls. "Chin" is the shorthand of "chin-chin" or "chinko" in Japan, which means penis. Or, cock. Or dick. Or, meat sausage. Or, tube steak. Take your pick, there's literally hundreds of words to choose from. Anyway, most of the Japanese people in the office kind of chuckle, as the whole "toast in English is penis!" joke is kinda sorta common in Japan.

Continue reading "More Darndest Things"