And of course, this was bound to happen. Az cracked.

Az-sama`s girlfrend is messing with his blog.I say sex punishment! And post pics...

Are you drunk?

Az, get some sleep. This looks like something I'd write if I were awake for 36+ consecutive hours. Still amusing, though.

Most of those are actually pretty good Like this one:

"If American men lust after Japanese women, and Japanese men think American women are beautiful...then who's lusting after the Spanish? I smell untapped potential here."

I smell signature potential. :D

Most excellent, Az.

Nah, lad-humour doesn't suit you. Though the bra and panties line made me laugh.

I love articles like this.

Really funny... thanks.

It's like Az channeled the spirits of three different short-joke comedians.

keep writing! people need to hear this.

What the fuck happened there!?

Some interesting insights :P

I emphatize...the longest I was in Japan (because of work...overtime and it was winter!) was six weeks and I was bonkers. Can you just imagine what years is doing to Az?!?

AZ, calm down. It will be ok. We're your friends and we're here to help. Take deep breath and go play Street Fighter Anniversary Edition for about 3 hours and call us in the morning. If that doesn't work, heed my words in reminding you that the new Transformers movie comes out next month. There, now doesn't it feel all better?

Zero

Alright people, own up: Who broke Az?

After his post on cosplay, I'm not surprised that Az cracked.

YOu wanted to shoot him with Glock? And I thought black americans carry 357's :-)

That was awesome.

They should give you a day off.

Am I the only one here who's familiar with Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts" as featured in books as well as Saturday Night Live? This is how we know Jack Handey's never been to Japan... because we'd have heard these things sooner.

Man, teeth or nails? Which made the injury? Wouldn't hurt giving us that much.

(Az's Note: Neither.)

I agree. SEX PUNISHMENT!

"I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn't have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped like that, that I shot him with my glock."

Hahaha, nice. Now I need a similarly smart-assed response for the next time someone asks me if I'm a basketball player. Yes, there are 6-foot-2 black men in the world with no basketball skills. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Short, to the point, insightful.

The last one is what I agree with most considering I'm anything but girly which would make Japanese girls think I'm gay... I mean, what?

When I discovered the AV part I was quite disappointed... Where was the skin? The humping? The white showers? Cultural diversity indeed for pron.

It's a different format than you usually post but it's good nonetheless.

The sad thing is once you come to Japan, you have these SAME thoughts...omg...

"I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn't have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped like that, that I shot him with my glock."

Died laughing at this one...do you know HOW MANY TIMES my students and friends have asked me about it???? I got asked "what gang are you in?" TODAY! So of course I told them I was a Blood and my gang was going to take over Japan.....

"In Japan, girly, effiminate men are considered to be manly, while buff, burly guys are considered to be gay. You might think this means that cute, girly girls are then lesbians, while boyish, tomboys are straight. But that's not the case at all. Everyone in Japan is a lesbian, except for gay men who are straight."

SOOO TRUE!!All Japanese women love breasts!!!Actually everyone in Japan does, but the women ARENT AFRAID of them!

He's lost it. I knew he would. That much moonspeak can cause a man to go truly, utterly insane.

That's it. We're comin' for you, brother, just hold on!

So Az, you too enjoy rolling around your room in your panties and bra? :)

This was weird! It kind of reminds me of Drinking For Two.

Hey, I guess it'd be kinda cool if these random little sentences / paragraphs appeared on non-article days, like on wednesdays and saturdays or somethin'.

So it IS oral!

Az your sanity has finally been broken I think you need some time in your bed rolling around trying to get that sanity back

Yeah, trying to create a bit of diversity on the archives is cracking, right Bast?

Why don't you just tell him which one of his stories is your favorite, so he can post it over and over again? Would that make you happy? He could even change a word or two in order to keep it fresh.

Amusing, but are you feeling alright, Az?

+1 for az turning japanese.. err, goin nuts.

dude, take a break and do a gaijin "hadookin" on those school kids. specially the ones that sit in the hall and finger fuck each other.

+1 for az turning japanese.. err, goin nuts.

dude, take a break and do a gaijin "hadookin" on those school kids. specially the ones that sit in the hall and finger fuck each other up the ass.

Jack Handy is some fantastic stuff. Gracias.

What the hell is this, are you high or something?

"YOu wanted to shoot him with Glock? And I thought black americans carry 357's :-)"

Perhaps he has a Glock 31 (chambered for .357 SIG)? =)

"Also, idol DVD's have taught me that Japanese girls really enjoy rolling around in their rooms in their bra and panties. ...I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one."

xD I do that too.

Az, you've cracked big time G and it's easy to see.
But on the real bro, I laughed as I read every row.
I feel your pains when you're trying to let everyone know it's different to live in japan.
Being black on top of that it's something we'll never understand.
It's alright, you still got your fans! keep those posts coming about that crazy ass land.
And when a 14 year old peeps you for a bag, buy it and then tap her after you wrap with a mag!
Cause as my daddy would say as he stands tall,
If theres grass in the field .. lets play ball!

The illest 4 letter word in the world is C-A-G-E!

This was not up to your usual standards, still not bad though.
I think you may need a vacation.

See, stuff like this is golden, we need more of insane-Az hehehe.
Cheers dude
-D

i lol'd

...

I'll send some postive thoughts in your direction, 'kay? I think you need them at this point. Perhaps it's time to come home and regain your sanity for a bit...?

どんだけー

Have you been smoking some crack up behind your ears again, Az?

~~If they ever got into a fight over a man, they could have a shootout at the Okei Corral.~~

Absolute 100% genius.

Umm....yeah. The Jack Handy thing doesn't work in written form, like it does when spoken in a stand-up routine. No idea what the tonal inflections should be in the written form.

Your writing is much better when you do a few paragraphs or sentences on a random subject, then move on; or when you give a full article about something that is happening/has happened in your school teacher experience. Even so, we should all give you credit for trying to broaden your literary horizons.

Keep writing & keep stretching; you might find yet another literary form that you excel in, as you do the ones mentioned above.

Simply brilliant. I kept going down the list thinking there's no way you can maintain the funny, yet you did. Like a black man ordering steak, well done.

Az, these sound weirdly like the thoughts I have when I'm in the dark because of a blackout. Ya know.... just sitting there letting your mind wander? Mmm..... just like that, but Japanese-flavored.

I wonder if thinking like this kept me from the good jobs? o_0

Sounds like you're having a rough week, kemosabe. Hang in there :).

Is everything alright with you, Az? We're worried!

Maybe all these one-liners are some kind of inside joke I didn't get. God, I hope so.

See, this is why JET ALTs usually go over with no Japanese at all - the language barrier is a gaijin safety precaution! It's like the safety switch on a gun!

"Japanese people think that having pink nipples means you're sexually inexperienced. Obviously that's not true, because we all know what huge sluts those albinos are."
In my head, I could hear "Jack Handy's" voice reading that one out. Funny stuff.

this just called just my talents
"there's always a bigger fish"

http://img155.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=85368_AZ_122_803lo.JPG

Steven Wright anyone?

That was an awesome picture.

Az, question on the futon front (possibly one of the few sane things in this blog post). I am 6'4" (193cm) and weigh about 280 lbs. (~127 kg). I do not know about your weight, but you said you are a pretty big guy yourself and 6'3" or so. What I wanted to ask is:

1) Is it remotely possible for me to find a comfortable futon for myself?

2) Do you sleep on a Japanese futon?

3) Are you comfortable on it?

4) I do not intend this to be like a stalker-ish question like asking what you sleep on, but since we are of similar heights and somewhat close weights (I imagine), are there any recommendations you can make for a comfortable futon for someone my size?

If you want to answer via e-mail or something that is fine, but I am curious on this front (as I am sure several other tall, large framed men are) and would love to see your answers here. Plus, hey, some futon importer could stamp his specific product "Japanese tested, Gaijin approved!" hehe...

"People keep wanting Japan to apologize for all the atrocities they've committed, but honestly, I don't think Pokemon was all that bad."

That was awesome.

But seriously Az, quit your job and find a new school or something. That school will just ruin your entire experience in Japan for the duration of your contract.

>>Az your sanity has finally been broken I think you need some time in your bed rolling around trying to get that sanity back

You mean rolling around in his bra and panties?

permalink on the main page is broken, by the way.

did this turn into a Tumblog?

First 2-3 comments summed it up for me.

Hey about that staying white thing what about ganguro girls? Aren't they the very opposite of this.

Ganguro are in the minority.

Sarge:"All right marines, this is a rescue mission. Grab him and evac. Don't leave sight of the pelacans and get him strait to the medic."

Wow Az ... you're now a hentai star, right up there with all the other high quality porn mangas.

(By the way, the bigger fish in this scenario would likely be the Bobbitt-fish the president sets on your loins)

some of you guys have the worst taste in humor this is quality shit.

Az good to see your writing is not only limited to the traditional style of Az-esque material, but also maturing as well.

The last one was fantastic! I laughed out loud because it's so true XD Great post!

Come to think of it Az - it`s your Ex that will always be the biggest fish. No matter what you do in your remaining life - Bitch defines chronological order!

PS - It was her hair wasn`t it - like when you get paper-cut only the skin on the penis is much-much more vulnerable.

The Octopus was her wrapping her long asian hair around you`r... er thing. It`s quite anti-climatic realy - I tried to think of a possible foreign object she might have used but all was levels beyond perverted and insanely dangerous too.

She just gathered it in a few locks so it looks like tentacles stretching from her head. The rest of the story - she pulled a bit harder and it cut you.

Then again it`s your spam filter man. I`m not gonna go any further anyways. :)

Agreed with "lawl," some of you guys who don't understand this post seem to be...missing something.

-TS

"then who's lusting after the Spanish?"

I like to think I have this area covered. I loves me some Spanish womens.

... wait. i don't understand why previous commenters think that Az is cracking.

???

Have none of you ever seen Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy? I mean, come on, now. These are actually pretty good.

"Because Japan's 17 hours ahead of California, when I talk to my friends over the internet, it's like talking to the past. Yet, they never heed my warnings."

BWAH! That last line was absolutely brilliant! I love it!

Nice change of pace. I can picture you sitting there, bored, trying to come up with one liners. :-)

Quite possibly your best entry ever.

"In Japan, girly, effiminate men are considered to be manly, while buff, burly guys are considered to be gay. You might think this means that cute, girly girls are then lesbians, while boyish, tomboys are straight. But that's not the case at all. Everyone in Japan is a lesbian, except for gay men who are straight."

I haven't heard anything that brilliant in a long, long while.

LMAO! I loved this one, story of my life :P

I love the koncho one, I forgot that it actually wasn't okay to say this back home.
Me:"So this kid koncho-ed me so I picked him up with his butt facing outward held his legs down and encouraged all the other kids to koncho him as I koncho-ed him right back"
Friends:"dude....did you just tell me how to anal-y penetrate a small boy?"
me:"....ah.....yea"

its like Drinking For Two in japan. ace.

Az, you're right. It's actually pretty hilarious how many people think you've cracked. Great stuff.

Boy. I've read a lot of your articles in my day. Nearly all of them, in fact. It's a rare day when you just give us random musings and I quite enjoy it. They're all rather good points, and I find myself reminded of Mitch Hedberg.

:) Keep it up.

"Rape Blossoms" HA!

Gotta love the last two, there!

None the less, you do sound like you've been up 63 hours straight, in which time gave your mind time to crack, spewing what was left of your american heritage onto a single sheet of paper, which you use to add american spice into your posts.

Kokujin gaijin R We!

oh no! Az gets real for a second and everyone starts freaking out. you've cracked? no, but when you don't sugar-coat everything the otaku's whine. Go to japan. This is all true, insighful stuff. Just because it points out the negative aspects of japanese culture doesn't mean the guy is losing it. It's actually pretty funny. Chill Out.

have you given a thought that maybe oyakodon does nof mean bowl "of" father and son, but "for" father and son? Just a thought...

Az's girlfriend wrote that? *chuckles* I don't think her English is anywhere near that good yet. Looks like Az is finally losing it though.

Nice Franz Ferdinand ref.