"Japanese, English, Spanish, French, German, Italian, Arabic, Klingon, Binary, Smoke Signals, and Swahili Tongue-Clicks, just in case."

Az, nothing made me laugh harder this week than the fact that I realized that even though you are exagerateing it is not much one one. JWs are persistant enough to do something like that.

Gold everyday gold

"Maybe put the Gaijin Only car next to the Women's Only car, and soon enough Japan's birthrate will climb right back up. See? I'm killing two birds with one stone."

I'm really scared to ask what happens in between...oh well...I guess more material for those high-schoolers...

Smoke signals?
In a pamphlet, would that be written out, like, poof poof, puff poof, poof puff poof?

Gaijin in the Mist- I love it! This post is classic Az.

Densha Otoko reference. LOL'ed at that on.

damn, my money-collecting-for-stupid-TV-channel guy is speaking english !

And it's so true that japanese people have a hard time believing you speak japanese. You ask something in japanese, they answer you in english, you continue in japanese, they answer you in english again ! grr

yea i know what u mean .. i live in toyama .and when ever i sit on a train or something ..first is tht they would NEVER sit with me .and even if they did sit with me ..they would stare the hell out of me . this one time ..there was this guy ..middle aged ...kinda looked like a salary man .. he was constantly glaring at me ..i went to him and said
oye kimi nani yateron da yo .. omai nengen mita kota nai no ...

he started to talk to me in english .. i was like .. i know japanese ..he didnt get me and forced me to speak english

I wonder how many countries could introduce the equivalent of Gaijin-only train cars, without being considered insensitive.

when people are staring at you
just be like
why are you looking so gay at me??
works pretty well in germany

hahaha

hilarious! just hilarious!
I can't wait to take my vacation just so I can
see some of this.
I swear, if I get a drunk next to me .. it's going be the gaijin smash heard around the globe!!!!
kiya nipon-jin!

Maybe the cranberry smell was from plum wine? It smells vaguely cranberry-ish to me, anyway. Anyway, I loved the Densha Otoko reference.

"It doesn't however work against the Japanese Jehovah's Witnesses (yes, they do exist), who either speak fluent English (how the fuck does this work?) or just happen to be carrying pamphlets in every language that exists on Earth, not just English."

LOL, wow, this made me laugh so much. Especially since I am a Jehovah's Witness, but I don't live in Japan. I am fluent in Japanese, too...and Spanish.
Anyway, great posts, I love 'em.

LOL! that was the best.
oh drunk Japanese, I love 'em.
being stared at on the train is always interesting, I normally just stare back and give 'em a smile.
I recently got boots which land me at at whooping 5'11 I love the looks I get when I stand up to get off the train.
is that godzilla? no just an gaijin...

On people disbelieving that you speak thier language, the same thing applies in Korea. I was out with one of my female adult students for a beer, and it was time for another round. We push the table-buzzer and the guy comes up, looking automatically at my student. Instead I cut in:

Me: Maekju Du Byung, Juseyo (Two bottles of beer, please)
Guy: Huh what?
Me (To my student): Uh, what, did I say it wrong?
My Student: No, no, perfect! (To guy, in Korean) Two bottles of beer please...*Hits guy quite hard on the arm* Why didn't you get it? What's wrong with you?
Guy: Uh...ummm...I wasn't expecting a foreigner to speak Korean *shuffles off, chastised*

In case you didn't know, it's acceptable for women to hit men in public in Korea. Not full on abuse, but the liberal application of punches to the arm is A-OK. It's supposed to be affectionate. And I couldn't stop laughing for hours.

"...with my friend continuing to gaze lovingly into my chocolate features. "

I chuckled at this. For some reason, it just sounded so cute >.<

If I'm not mistaken- this was the last post on OP9 before you made the switch to this site. ^.^ Now I really can't wait for new material!

See- I didn't get the "Densha" reference when I first read this. Now that EVERY MANGA COMPANY has done an issue of "Densha Otoko", I finally get the meaning. And it's funnier than ever.

"Swahili tongue clicks" is what killed my keyboard. I don't have a "c" button anymore. I have to Copy/paste my c's. Thank you for that.

the contact link doesn't work, pressing the send button brings me to a page that says the email address is invalid. is anyone else having this problem? did he take the contact link down? :(

>>>>when people are staring at you
just be like
why are you looking so gay at me??
works pretty well in germany

hahaha<<<<

Only in turkish slang.

And probably not in Japan.

The got Hard Gay, remember? get the wrong person and he might proudly say : "BECAUSE I AM GAY! Where are the girls with the strapons?"

Him: (BSJ) Aha! You do speak Japanese!
Me: No I don't. I just know the names of the train stations. That's all.

If you didn't know Japanese, how'd you understand what he said and reply to him? ;)

hah. adding on to that groping thing... I was reading in a a guide book of Japan that if you, as a female, ever get groped on the subway, and I quote, "Grab the person's hand, raise it as high as you can in the air, then start yelling." Pretty sweet.

"...let's just start handing out the Bacardi 151 on the streets. Put it in Mr. Salaryman's coffee. Put it in Ms. Housewife's afternoon tea. Let's go to the kindergartens and spike the milk."

Yeaah...

"...Maybe put the Gaijin Only car next to the Women's Only car, and soon enough Japan's birthrate will climb right back up. See? I'm killing two birds with one stone."

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...!

I love this blog. Thanks Az for writing up all your experiences. I found another really good Japan blog at http://firefly.yourjapan.jp as well - check it out! It seems like it just started though.

Az, I have loved this blog forever! but...bah! You had your own personal Mr. Miyagi on that train and you let him go... but, perhaps it was not the last time you two will meet.

I found it DAMN amusing that he never picked up on the fact that you understood what he was saying while he was speaking Japanese, and Badly Slurred Japanese at that.

"The train tumbled along, with my friend continuing to gaze lovingly into my chocolate features."

Oh GOD that made me laugh.

This is, I have to say, your best post yet.

I suppose it must be handy to be a lesbian.

It's interesting to say the least... I'm Filipino by ethnicity so I have the typical Asian features... When I go to Japan with my wife to visit her family, I mix in quite well.

Az, do people EVER get intimidated by you over there, or do they just "feel" that you have a CUDDLY WUDDLY personality?

Just be happy Mr. Cranberry didn't try to attempt a "hidden finger jutsu" on you...

Ha ha ha ha...

Do you know anyone with JLPT Level-1 Certification?

(Az's Note: Yeah, one guy. Me and a friend took it in December - we don't think we passed this time around but we should be able to pass it this year.)

Haha! You rock, dude, I fukken love your Japan stories XD I've been reading your blog since the Outpost Nine days, and I've loved it ever since :D If you don't mind, though, could I ask you a question I've been wondering about (and please feel free to delete my comment if it's offensive or anything)? You mention in this entry and a lot of others how you get stared at a lot and generally stick out for being a big black dude among the Japanese, right? I'm wondering, though, do people seem to be afraid of you as much as they stare at you? I have a couple of African-American friends who've complained about this to me before--every time they cross the street or something, like every motorist on the road makes a point of locking their doors and getting ready to bolt if they look like they're gonna get mugged. I can't claim any moral superiority since I've done the same myself (much to my embarassment :( ), but I am wondering if you've experienced the same kind of thing in Japan, with people getting freaked out because they think you're gonna beat them up or something? Just curious, though, sorry if I'm coming off as offensive or racist or anything. ^^;

You are hilarious - you're bringing it all back for me. Thank you so much for getting all this done. It should be required reading for the JET program inductees. Kampai!

Here in the Philippines, we actually did find it necessary to have a women's only car in the trains.

As for the language thing, the Chinese are pretty muuch the same. They don't really believe foreigners can speak their language, and pretty much go deaf when they hear it from one who's not Chinese.

At least on the mainland it's that way.

Huh. I was on a business trip to Germany, and everyone there insisted on speaking English to me. Even this Hungarian who barely spoke either German *or* English. And I was born and raised in Germany, so it's not like I can't habla el lingo, you know? A minor American accent, that's all it takes. So your experience in Japan is likely shared by foreigners in all countries.

Except the USA, of course. Here we're surprised or even annoyed when we find that a visitor doesn't speak decent English.

Which is worse?

"Which is worse?"

I don't know. On one hand, you have Americans expecting foreign visitors to have some grasp of the language of the country they're going to visit. I guess that's some kind of arrogance, maybe.

However, I find it even more arrogant to assume that someone visiting your country doesn't have any clue as to how to speak its language and, further, refusing to respond to them in the same language when they are obviously capable of using it increases the arrogance.

That smacks of linguistic self-superiority to the extreme... At least expecting someone to have some grasp of your language implies that it's their responsibility to be able to survive in your country by speaking the common tongue. Refusing to accept their fluency in your tongue implies you see them as a child, which to me is far worse.

For the ones that speak English just say "no habla Japanese" in horrible Spanish. They'll never know.

"For the ones that speak English just say "no habla Japanese" in horrible Spanish. They'll never know."

Unless they happen to be ex-Jehovah's witnesses...

The NHK collect-yer-money guy is one of my eikaiwa students, so I have to pay up. -_- And he speaks good English (thanks to those eikaiwa lessons!) so I can't pull the "Me no speak Japanese" trick.

GOD I hate the Jehovahs Witness!!! In any damn country they will be there! and will bug that shit outta you! tell me how they know my fucking name! when they knocked at my door and said Hello Mr (insert first and last name)...what did I do...SHUT THE DAMN DOOR AT THERE FACES RIGHT AWAY! cause thats just creepy...there stalkers I tell you

Densha Otoko for the win. :D

Gaijin-only cars YES!!! OMG, people treating you differently just because you are gaikokujin gets SO OLD SO FAST.
On the shinkansen the green car might as well be the gaijin car, it is sooo quiet and nice and almost empty half the time.

> And it's so true that japanese people have a hard time believing
> you speak japanese. You ask something in japanese, they answer you
> in english, you continue in japanese, they answer you in english again!

If you really want to blow their minds, you could pretend you don't understand English, and keep trying to switch them to other languages. (You don't have to actually know the other languages in question, because these are Japanese people you're talking to, so they don't know them either.)

Them: Hey, you speak English?
You: No comprendo, senyor.
Them: What?
You: No comprendo Ingles. Hablas Espanyol?
Them: English, yes, English. You speak English?
You: No, no comprendo Ingles. Spricken Sie Deutch?
You: Parlez Vouz Francois? Legeis eleneka? Ruski?
You: Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur...
You: [Japanese name for Japanese]?
Them (in Japanese): Japanese? You speak Japanese?
You (in Japanese): Oh, yes, I speak Japanese.
Them (in Japanese): But you also speak English, yes?
You (in Japanese): No. I speak Spanish, Japanese, German, French,
You (in Japanese): Dutch, Russian, Arabic, and Afrikaans, plus
You (in Japanese): a smattering of Latin and Greek. But no English.

Their heads would probably explode. Either that or more likely they just wouldn't believe you.

Or, come to think of it, you could go the other way and employ such erudite English as to wholly exceed their capacity to make heads or tales, which given the impressions I've encountered on your blog seems immanently feasible for any reasonably educated Gringo. Just bust out a homogenous blend of over-the-top idioms, trippin' colloquialisms, and intimidating polysyllabic terminology (anything with a non-Germanic etymology ought to getterdone) and watch their peepers expand with fear. If thou desirest to take things to the logical extreme, then do thou include a bit of the Queen's English (she being Elizabeth the _First_, by my troth), and perhaps some regional dialect stuff. Give the wastrels something they canna handle, mate.

Then you can revert to simple Japanese, which ought to be a big relief.