Tell me. Was the old woman softly singing "Bow-wow-chicka-wicka-wow-wow" as she walked away?

Keep it up these stories are gold!

This one had me laughing aloud. It's good to see that you've always got new material from your surroundings.

Nice one.
But I have to ask: Is "To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine." another NARUTO reference?

MOOOORTAAAAAL COMBAAAAAAAAAT

About the music, get an iPod or something!

"Authentic Negro Penis"

Lol. Classic. Watch out. They'll poach you.

Hi, I was thinking... When you go see a doctor and they say you need to lose weight, isn't it a valid response "I am training for sumo wrestling"? Perhaps that answer could calm the doctor down a bit. - By the way, your stories are hilarious; thanks for sharing them with us.

Az, what you need to do is buy the dvd, "Puppetry for the Penis" and learn how to do some flashy dick tricks. I guarantee that the Japanese will be quite impressed and you will reach new heights of fame!

As for the lousy exercise music, sounds like you could use an ipod or walkman.

"The music at this gym brought to you by:
SONY, makers of the Walkman and other fine products for drowning out this awful music."

;-)

Yes, I do have an iPod, and yes, I do use it at the gym. I pretty much have to. Not only does it combat the awful music, it keeps any potential solicitors at bay.

Oh man,the Carpenters. I had never heard one of their songs till I came to Japan- more specifically, since the middle school english classes I am in expected me to know the three Carpenters' songs in their english songbooks. Even worse is how sensei, without any rhyme or reason, will end songs early, switching from early Beatles to Avril Lavigne to the Carpenters to the Spice Girls. One sensei loves to tap out the turn off the music and tap out the beat while she sings and the class mumbles along, but she doesn't understand rhythm and therefore taps out eighth notes instead of quarter notes, and then complains that music in english is really fast. I have no idea what it is with the Japanese and the Carpenters, and I can only hope that that is an explainable Japanese mystery.
Those poor ichinensei...

Me and my friends came to an understanding about old man strength. We have termed it "Daddy Strength".

You see, upon a man having his first child, he graduates from the realm of regular, I workout strength, to the realm of Daddy Strength. This extra strength comes in so that you may protect your family, and never lose a fight in front of your kids. This is why we believe professional athletes are so strong, and father so many children; it is the source of their power.

Now, of course, you have cases where one Daddy Strength beats another. What you didn't know is that the winning Daddy also had a mortgage, car note, steel-wool beard, and the ability to "Not take no shit offa nobody." Those are key. My dad is a 50 year old little yellow-black man, who is just now gaining wait at 155 lbs. I'm in my early 20s, played some college football and boxing, and yet I'd still put money on my dad purely because of his "I ain't lived through the 60s just so I can take no shit offa nobody." power.

I'm not sure if this power translates into Japanese society, but if it does I would say its been inherited by the Japanese Obasan.

Truth.

Yep. The Mortal Kombat theme pwns, so does Scarface - "Push it to the Limit".

I would never work out in Japan though. I do not like my massive p3n0r of destruction being exposed to other guys; that is for my wife only.
They don't call me the Black Piconjo for nothing...

Lately, I have been reading much much more about Japanese racism. My wife teases me and tells me that I should read an Amy Yamada book. I don't know WTF that is, and she does not tell me. I love her little practical jokes. I Google searched and found no relevant information, and I image searched (expecting Goatse, Lemonparty, or the worst of all: Japanese Cuisine) and I only saw a semi-hideous Japanese woman.

My wife's going back to Hiroshima this Saturday (after we watch "300") to work at a cram school, and I'll be missing her until the summer.

I never thought that I could feel this way about a Japanese person. I never thought that such a love was possible. As I watch her go, I feel like an abandoned vessel, derelict on the waves of time.

As the bell tolls, just remember that AJ <3s j00.

I LOL'd... A lot!

Hahahaha, adventures in the gym. This article (episode? "AZ's ADVENTURES IN NIPPON!, episode XX!") was just as funny as the last, with the exception of the final line. That was just creepy. Like, really creepy. That single line puts into perspective how horrified you must have felt when all those Japanese schoolboys were trying to grab your dick. It is the embodiment of that horror.

...I'm so, SO sorry for not taking you seriously about that.

holy shit, azrael, I just burst out laughing out loud - really loud - after I read the part about cockslapping the obasan... Damn, man, that's my first real laugh I've had... I don't know, I can't remember... but dayummmmm.... You made my day :)

Haha, the "too many women have been getting away" comment really made me laugh, Az. Great job referencing some of the best Japan moments like that. XD

This is my first comment, and I wanted to say I really have enjoyed every single one of your editorials. This Thursday is my birthday, so I can't wait to see what you have in store!

After all the shit that's happened to me in the past two weeks (you know... My girlfriend being hit by a bus, dying, spending a week off college in her hometown and eventually cremating her yesterday... No biggie really... - if you really want to read about it, I blogged some of it), I actually nearly died of laughter.

The punctuation and usage of grammar, as well as the usual eloquence and amazing range of vocabulary. I will actually put this one near the top, if not at the top.

Classic. In every way. It really cheered me up.

Thanks, Azrael.
Means a lot.

Japanese locker rooms, now with frontal, backal, and left side-al nudity.

I completely lost at the end. "...turning in the wrong direction would result in me turkey-slapping an old Japanese woman. And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them."

You continue to amuse me massively every day - I actually look forward to seeing updates. Thank you!

As for your gym activity - I had some clever prepared as a remark for your Obasan cock incident - but I think now after writing it out and deleting it... that it's better left alone... just the way it is.

Your post did help me with one major point of clarity. An old friend of mine from HS actually went over to be a JET and came back about a year ago with a new Japanese wife (crazy, I know)..... she would talk to all our other friends and practice her English but not me. She avoided me during the entire event of our joint-friend's wedding for several days with great effort. Until today I don't think I understood why. I just thought.... maybe she thinks I'm ugly?! or... Do I really smell that bad? I asked Aaron - he just laughed at me and wouldn't explain (typical for him).

I'm a white man, but I am 6'4" and 250lbs (and not fat -- except by Japanese standards where I am probably morbidly obese)... all our other friends in the same group of old HS buddies are under 5'10" and don't lift weights.

Potential solicitors?

I LOVE you response to the schoolkid, "To Protect The Ones I Love With These Arms Of Mine", that is golden, man, you are awesome!

Haha. I've been reading your posts for some time now, and I have to say that they always keep me coming back.
When it got to the cock-slapping part, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Oh, the joys of life, eh ?

So was there a sales pitch for your membership? Was it as aggressive as it is in the U.S. or did you just pay them without smelling desperation?

Where would that moment with the obasan (had you turned in that direction) have ranked among the all-time list of Gaijin Smashes?

XD Omg you quoted Naruto again. Classic XDDDD You win the internet.

Hahahahahhahahaha *dies on the floor laughing* hahahahaha. But on a serious note I agree with the whole overexposer penis thing. If I had to see it everyday and it was mostly guys I wouldn't find attractive I'd probably turn lesbian just to see something different T_T!

LMAO!!!111onetwo Um not to add scars to your psyche but...if she was as close as you say she was close enough to get a good whiff to...ah a nostril full of negro cawk...your welcome.

I started laughing hysterically right around "turkey-slapping".

Keep it up!

...

THE WORK! I mean, keep up the good work!

"To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine." Then the sun shined down over the two of you. Everything stopped into an artistic version of you standing there, posed, and a young boy with stars in his anime-sized eyes.

Not that being comfortable with your nudity is a bad thing, but perhaps a over-sized towel is still necessary for some situations. If for anything, just to keep the "club" from swinging into small old women.

Man that was the funniest post you've had for a while, by the way, what does Sumimasen mean?

(Az's Note: "Excuse me").

"And in today's business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low..."

HAHAHA! That's funny as hell.

Az, you just mentally raped me. I'm going to get drunk this very instant to scrub my brain of the horrible (and yes, pretty funny) image of an old japanese lady getting the HandsFree CockSlap.

I jeez, I love that like "If I turn this way, do you like the way the light and shadows combine to create an artistic effect?" Fabulous, I love your work Az!

Is there anything diffrent about a Japanese Gym? (Other than the bad music and little old cock-watching ladies.)

"And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them."

I beg to differ. This story would've been twice as entertaining if it had ended with an old-fashioned Gaijin cock-slapping. Perhaps followed up with the Japanese equivalent of, 'Who's your daddy?'

And 6'3, 200 pounds? Bah, that's not so fat.

Watson's career plan has been decided ! After a brief trip to Brazil for hum, chirurgical purposes, he becomes a closet room cleaning lady !
This post was funny as hell (is hell funny ? er, whatever) it was so hard to contain my laughter (yep, reading at work v_v) I let one or two out... hu hu hu

Dave, I am sorry for your loss man. Condolences.

rofl this shit is sooo damn hilarious. You have managed to terrorize the japanese with your penis alone.

You kinda wonder how they're naked all over the place but they have to censor porn. What. The hell.

I gotta say, I just started laughing at loud at the 'turkey slap' comment. It confused the people who were milling about my office. I just stared at them till they left.

Why is cockslapping old Japanese women so damn funny? The chance it could cleanly decapitate them, if done right.

It's amazing, all the crap that happens to you, but this takes the cake. Having an old face face level with my dick is the VERY LAST thing I want to experience. Unless you're a doctor, I don't want anyone that old looking at me naked. >_>

I can see Az pulling stuff off like that. XD.

"Gather round kids, let me tell you about the time I was THIS CLOSE to Gaijin Negro Cock..."

I can see one doing this as we speak.

On another intresting note: Pump It Up is also a dancing game, but Im sure you noticed that already.

Classic!

Well now... I've been reading these since they were on the original site and this is the first time I've decided to comment. No idea why until now, but damn, this is probably the funniest bloody entry ever and you've had some sheer classics in the past. I had to contain all my laughter at work not to alert everyone to Az's potential cock-slapping greatness! Keep up the entries my man, and I'll keep reading them.

Here in the UK there are quite a few people I know who look to join the JET program. Sending them this way to read your entries is one requisite every... single... time!

I'm in a gym, too. The only gym close to my house is... well darnit, it's about a 25 minute drive away. I do light weight-lifting when I'm there and running on the treadmill. Sometimes I even make use of the pool. As I am a five-foot tall ash-blonde soon-to-be-40 year old woman, I don't have any of Az's problems, more's the relief. But I'm entertained!

"Authentic Negro Penis". Wow. Just wow. That is gonna have me laughing for HOURS.

I can top that. I was at an onsen in Kyoto with a tour group about six years ago, an onsen cleaned religiously by an obaasan. The guys and girls split up, it being a split-gender onsen. About an hour later we suddenly get a message from our translator on our emergency walkie-talkies. He's laughing so hard he can barely talk, so it takes a while to get the full story.

But in the end we figure out that the obaasan had gone over to clean the men's side, seen a male member of our tour group, and been... highly impressed. And decided to tell him that. To his face.

He, not speaking a word of Japanese, had to call over the translator for help. The translator listens to this woman for about 20 seconds, cracks up laughing, and barely manages to choke out a translation. Then he has to share it with all the other males. And the girls. And, probably, any other English speaker he came into contact with for a month.

But, seriously, they really have no idea of tact when it comes to bodies and bodily functions in Japan, do they? How many other countries can you name where sixty-year-old ladies walk up to strange men and compliment their penises?

The other night I needed some motivation to lift, and then BAM the mortal combat theme starts playing in WinAmp. I think I put up some new PR's just because of the sheer awesomeness or the song.

"And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them."

LMAO! amazing. I have no clue what you were worried about, your material is just as funny as when you were teaching!

"And in today's business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low..."

That, and the part about turkey-slapping the Obasan was just... Oh God. This is your funniest entry yet.

As of note, I dunno whether it's a Naruto reference or not, but LOTS of anime has said stuff like that. DBZ and Bleach, to name two. Damn unoriginal rabble...

Brilliant, you are truly a master storyteller. Your stories never fail to brighten me up, Japan has got to be bizarre. I also want to say that, though this is old, the 'jack off ninja' tangent of one of your other stories was sent to every single one of my friends VIA AIM. Thanks Az.

I like to read new stories on tuesdays and thursdays at lunch but its not there today!

OK, I just about snorted coffee up my nose at this one. Brilliant!

Oh god, that would be a nasty result if you were unsuccessful, but you have training on your side.

Man, I could picture you writing one of these books:

"Worst Case Scenarios: Japan Edition!"
(warning: these solutions must be followed strictly)

"And in today's business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low..."

Supply and Demand -- our penises are in high demand in Japan, but in VERY short suplly, I guess?

To Bryan:
"How many other countries can you name where sixty-year-old ladies walk up to strange men and compliment their penises?"

Switzerland.

Bad music in a gym is not a Japaneese thing, every 24hour fitness I go to plays shit-o music. I bought a MP3 player, then broke it and now wear earplugs. Another thing, if someone walks up to you naked in a locker room, start to tell them about jesus, they usually run away. Of course that works for most places.............

The mental image of someone cock-slapping a small old japanese woman is going to comfort me far into the next lifetime. I think i nearly ruptured a kidney trying not to collapse while reading this at my school. take care, man.

hell, I have a silly question.
When I read this post first I though "hey funny, the gym near my work place has big windows on the street too, maybe it's that place". But i dismissed it, what are the chances ? and I don't think there's a high school near (not that I really know the surroundings, actually)
But the day before yesterday (so wednesday) when passing in fornt of this gym I saw a big black dude running on one of the machine. And that's the very first time I've seen a black guy in this area. Damn I almost wanted to get off the bus...

So I'll ask you, is this gym place called "Pinos" (oh the lovely name) and in front of "U-town" ?

If it is it'd just be baffling as hell !
Don't worry again I'm not a creepy stalker (and I'm leaving japan so soon anyway...)

(Az's Note: Do you work at ATR then?

Yes, I was a member of Pinos. But any black guys you saw there recently wasn't me. I left that area and moved into Kyoto city in August.

Incidentally, Watson's school is up the street. If you keep going uphill on that street, past the K Plaza (with the sundial) the school's up there. There's an elementary school in that area as well.)

mwah ah ah that's what I call unexpected !

Actually I work at the NICT, further down the road, past the K Plazza... and after this episode I asked my colleagues if there was a high school near, and apparently there's one really close, and it's most likely the one I've been reading about for so long on this very website ! (my colleagues even use the school gym to play badminton). It appears I really didn't know the surroundings, heh.

Damn it means I've been around Watson for all those months.. glurps, time to invest in some iron underpants...

I have mortal kombat stuck in my head now

"Born an old Japanese woman"

....they SO are made that way.

lol...

I bet I could take your dad :D

Not that I'd ever attack a poor defenseless army dude... lol

you know what ARMY stands for right?
Aren't Real Marines Yet

"3. Thinking back to the Question of the Century, I need the extra strength to help in my pursuit of raping women. Lately, too many have been getting away, and that's just completely unacceptible."

400% awesome. i love you man,these editorials are like finding pots of gold in a dirty laundry basket. i should start going to the gym,but down here, the only people that go to gyms are the people i really really can't stand. I'd Kill them