I figure, having lived in this country for almost 5 years now, that I've pretty much seen and heard everything. Well, not everything mind you (I don't live in Tokyo), but I think I've had my fair share of knock-you-on-the-floor-WTF moments. From The Greatest Question Ever ("how many women have you raped?"), to Ms. Americanized's "c'mon America, come bomb the shit out of us", and even the one time I was greeted by a 14-year old Japanese girl with "Hey nigga!" only to have the Japanese woman standing next to me exclaim "What the fuck?!", all in English*, I kind of figured there wasn't much else that could phase me anymore.

Boy, was I wrong.

*I'm still amazed that the universe didn't collapse into itself upon this incredibly unlikely sequence of events converging upon each other at one specific point in time.

***

*Complete sarcasm.

I really don't remember how the conversation got to this point. It could have been anything, really - we could have been talking about Care Bears, the state of the American economy, or The Spanish Inquisition (which nobody expects). All I know is that we ended up on penis size, and the Korean guy, in 100% earnestness, asks the Australian guy "C'mon, how long is your junk?"

If you've been reading along, you know that I'm no stranger to conversations about my penis, or someone else's penis, while in Japan. When I lived in America, the penis was a lot like The Illuminati: something that possesses great power, but only works in the shadows. The penis was never seen or talked about - when there was a use for it, it appeared, did its job, and disappeared back into the mysterious shadows. ...This is not the case in Japan. Holy crap is it not. But while I've been subject to a lot of penis discussion, most of it has still been laden in innuendo - how monstrously big I must be, and how poor Japanese guys must look small in comparison.

I can honestly say that this is the first time I've ever heard someone just flat out ask for a precise measurement.

Not only me and the Australian guy, but the other Japanese guys there as well are floored by the question. The Australian guy does, really, the only thing he can do in this situation - attempt to deflect the question like a skillful politician. "And what about Az? Why aren't you asking Az this question?" The Korean guy's answer: "Oh, I already know."

He's referring to a snowboarding trip we took a few months ago. The resort we stayed at didn't have private bathrooms, so we all had to bathe together in the public baths. On the first day I managed to avoid going at the same time as everyone else, but on the second day it was now or never - and given the choice of keeping my naughty bits unseen, or having to endure a 7 hour bus ride while dirty...well, I jumped in the bath. Cleanliness > modesty.

Me: ...Aha! I knew it! I knew you'd look.
Korean Guy: Of course I did. When else am I going to get such a fine opportunity?
Australian Guy: ...And?
Korean Guy: I thought, yeah, not bad while small, but I couldn't help but to wonder how big it'd get hard...
Me: THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME TO GET HARD WHILE BATHING TOGETHER WITH ALL OF YOU.
Korean Guy: Yeah, I know, but still, I had to wonder. I thought about maybe coming over and talking about porn with you, seeing if I couldn't get a rise out of you.
Me: I repeat: THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME TO GET HARD WHILE BATHING TOGETHER WITH ALL OF YOU.
Korean Guy: Yeah, yeah, I know. Anyway *back to Australian Guy*, so, how many centimeters long is your dick?

As we try to explain to the Korean guy that this is not really a question that men ask each other, he tells us its quite common in Korea - in fact, according to him at least, when guy friends want to cement their bond, they go to a public bath together and size each other up.

...We all agreed that Korea was going to be dead last on our list of "Countries To Visit Next."

***

One day out of the blue, Small Wonder turns to me and the Australian guy and asks "What does '7th Heaven' mean?"

...A cheesy show on the WB that has somehow eluded the cancellation hook?

All jokes aside, we tried to explain that it meant something really good, like how eating a slice of New York cheesecake might put you in 7th Heaven or something. Small Wonder asks us if its a common phrase. We tell her no, we don't really use it that often.

"Oh," she says, "so I guess I can't really use "take her to 7th heaven with your new monster tool!" in any English conversations, can I?"

...For the love of God, PLEASE stop trying to pick up colloquial English from spam email titles. No good can ever come from this.

***

There's a new Japanese lady at work. She speaks English quite well - she's married to an Australian guy (not the same guy from above), and had spent several years on study abroad in America and in Australia with her husband before coming back to Japan. She tells me that she'd stayed in the good 'ol south while in America, and even had a southern accent to boot! She no longer has the southern accent, but I really wish she did, as nothing would round out my experience in Japan better than a Japanese woman speaking in a country drawl.

Anyway, one day I was talking to her about all the various things I have to do around the house. As we're both working, my wife expects me to pull in my share of the housework. If she cooks, I have to do the dishes. And I have to remember to properly do the laundry before it starts to pile up. Things I may drag my feet about...but no matter how much I want to argue about it, ultimately she's right so the only thing I can do is just suck it up and do it.

So as I was explaining this, this Japanese woman stops for a minute and says "Oh, waitaminute, you're...you're...oh, I know this word....you're pussywhipped!" When her outburst reduced me to a laughing mess on the ground, she fretted "oh, I've been picking up too much bad language from my husband..."

Now, when a Japanese woman tells you, in English no less, that you're pussywhipped...I think that's sort of a code red emergency. I feel like I need to round up 299 of my fellow countrymen and defend the ideals of freedom and justice in a fight to the death against 1 million Persian soldiers. While I wear nothing more than a cape, a helmet, and some speedos. Nothing less will allow me to reclaim my manhood.

***

One day, Doris and the Japanese lady mentioned above were processing refunds. The Japanese woman was marvelling over some type of bra with gel pads designed for extra lift and roundness and...whatever it is that bra pads do. My knowledge about bras is limited to how to take them off with one hand. While translating and processing the item data, we'd come across the description for the "super gel pads" or whatever, so the Japanese woman was thrilled to get to see a real live one. As I'd done the translation for this particular product, I was a bit curious, so I turned around to also get a look at it.

"Here you go," Doris says, handing me one of the gel pads. "You just wanted to touch some gel titty, didn't you?" she says. I tell her that wasn't my intent, but her answer to that is "No no, it's okay - you've been in Japan for awhile now, haven't you? I can imagine you're pretty titty-deprived." She turns to the Australian guy who sits next to me. "C'mon, you can touch the gel titties too!" The Australian guy, who is ordinarily pretty reserved, refuses the offer, but Doris literally throws the gel pad into his hand. "C'mon, you're a guy, don't be modest! You can be honest about wanting to grope a little titty. It's okay."

As the Australian guy continues to deny wanting to cop a feel on a bra pad, Doris begins another one of her epic dialogues. Pointing to me and the Australian guy, she says "See, you guys probably know nothing about bra pads. You both come from countries where the women have ample bosoms and don't need these kinds of things. But see, we Asians aren't that blessed - we NEED these. Without these, we just look like flat-chested little boys. But hey, with these bra pads, maybe we can almost start to look feminine! Oh, if only I'd been born in America! Then I could join you two in being amazed over bra pads, and not secretly thinking of all the padded bras I have at home!"

You know, if I ever do put Operation D-Cup into motion someday, I think I've found a passionate and committed general to help spearhead the cause.

***

Speaking of, I got Doris to repeat her "Asians are flat" rant. The Japanese lady asked Doris to tell her a funny joke...Doris then defaulted to me, and then I once again pulled out the nearest catalog, and pointed out how all of the regular clothes models were Japanese, but then when it came to underwear models, they all suddenly became Gaijin. Doris repeats her "Asians are flat!" rant, which the Australian guy and Japanese woman had never heard before, and thus were floored laughing.

"Unfortunately," Doris says, "this isn't a joke. This is reality. Look at this," she says, pointing to a rare page that featured a Japanese underwear model. "You don't think - oh, sexy beautiful woman! No. This makes me think of that little strip of highway that airplanes land on."

"You mean a runway?" I manage to blurt out between laughs.

"Oh, is that what its called? Yeah, a runway! See, look! *flips to a page with foreign models* Beautiful, sexy, curvy women. *flips to the page with the Japanese model* Japan airlines flight 22, now landing on runway 6. Just straight and flat."

I'm starting to think she has a bit of a complex about this.

For those who keep asking about the wedding fund: click on the button below for donations.

The official date is September 20th. I will try to throw up a few pictures of the event - its the least I can do.

Faithful readers may remember that my wife got a little antsy about marriage when her two best friends, K-san and S-san, both got married at more or less exactly the same time. So now, you're probably figuring that either K-san or S-san got knocked up, which is making my wife antsy about the parenthood thing. You would be close, but continuing with the "God Is Conspiring Against Me" theory - actually its something completely different.

Despite the usual Japanese tendency to get a newlywed wife knocked up as soon as possible, both K-san and S-san don't have any buns in the oven yet. Apparently, with S-san's husband working the typical life of a Japanese salaryman, he comes home tired on the weekdays and unable to do anything*, therefore the two only have sex on the weekends. So, no baby yet.

*While I suppose this is a decent sex life, it goes against my fundamental theory of "If I Can, I Will." The theory goes a little something like this - if I can, I will. It really doesn't matter what state I'm in - dead tired, sleepy, drunk, sick, injured, melancholy, emo, retrospective, whatever. I can be on the brink of death - as long as I can rise to the occasion, I'll do it. I didn't even let my broken collarbone break my stride. I think this is the result of me being sexually frustrated all throughout high school, and college for the most part. I'm like a starving Ethiopian child - can't turn your nose up at whatever scraps might come your way, because you never know when the next meal is gonna be.

Talking to her, I could see there was still a perverted fire in her eyes (we know our own kind). The three of us (me, wife, K-san) had gone out for dinner and drinks one day. Eventually the conversation turns to sex, and K-san confesses her once-every-two-months rate. It was funny, because I could clearly see both girls holding back their true pervert potential.

K-san: Yeah, we're both tired, so it really only works out to maybe once every two months or so...but I'm completely fine with that. (<-- This is a complete lie, methinks)
Wife: Well, we're still around maybe 3 times a week or so (this is a definite lie, I'm rushing her shit down on a daily basis if possible), but I think we're going to calm down really soon....
Me: *Metal Gear Solid ! appears over my head*
Wife: I think that's for the best.
K-san: *looking at me* I don't think your husband is on the same page with you here.
Me: *shaking my head desperately* Yeah, what's up with this "calm down" talk?
K-san: *looks at me again, but this time taking in my entire body size, and then to my wife* Well, good luck...

A few minutes later, K-san goes to the bathroom.

Me: Um, did you really mean that about "calm down"?
Wife: Of course not! But, I can't look too perverted in front of my friends...
Me: If you can't be pervy with your friends, who can you be pervy with? Besides, I think K-san is just as perverted, if not more so, than you.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, we've been talking about sex for awhile, right?
Wife: Yeah...
Me: Yeah. Both you and I have tried to change the topic several times, but have you noticed that its always K-san who brings us back to the sexual discussion?
Wife: Yes, I have noticed that!
Me: I mean me - a guy - I've been trying to not talk about sex and she's the one who keeps bringing it up!
Wife: Well, maybe she's just frustrated because she's not getting any.
Me: Yeah, maybe. You know, if you wanted to help out your friend, I'm sure I could lend a hand and do what I could.....OW! Man, I didn't know you could punch so hard...

Anyway.....what was I talking about? Oh yeah, wife's baby craze. So yeah, neither S-san or K-san are close to making babies, despite it being them who sort of triggered the wife's "gotta get married!" instinct. If not them...then who? Here comes a new challenger.

Let me tell you about R-san.

R-san is the wife's third best friend. Where K-san and S-san were getting married and settling down, R-san was still living the single life. She lived at home, worked at a hair salon, and had a boyfriend who worked at a bar here in Kyoto. The last time we saw R-san was at a New Year's party. She and her boyfriend were drinking it up and having a good time. The boyfriend saw fit to drop his pants several times throughout the night, giving us all candid views of things we didn't want to see.

Wife: R-san, I'm so sorry I saw that.
R-san: What, that? Oh, that's nothing at all!
Wife: But that...tool...belongs to you, and I didn't want to see it.
R-san: Oh, I don't care! Besides...the tool you get to use is probably a whole lot stronger, isn't it?
Wife: *silly female giggle*
Me: Ya'll aren't talking about hammers and power drills, are you?

The wife runs into R-san during her lunch break earlier this week.

Wife: R-san! It's been a while! Why are you in this area?
R-san: Oh, I live here now. Together with my boyfriend.
Wife: ....Wha?
R-san: We're going to get married pretty soon.
Wife: ...Wha?!
R-san: I'm 5 months pregnant with his child!
Wife: .....WHAT?!

Later, she told me about the encounter.

Me: Wow, that's quite a radical turn of events in the past 5 months.
Wife: Yeah, really! But you know, she looked really happy.
Me: Yeah?
Wife: Yeah...living with her man, marriage soon, baby on the horizon...it was like the ultimate female happiness.
Me: ...I see.
Wife: *looks at me with anime-like sparkles in her eyes*
Me: ...Fuck!
Wife: C'mon, how about July? That's 2 months before the wedding, I won't be big yet so it'll be fine!
Me: I do not want you knocked up at the altar!
Wife: ...July. Definitely July.
Me: Have I told you about my plans to go celibate?
Wife: Ok, I KNOW that's a lie.
Me: ...I can't even pretend its not.

So...yeah, the baby heat's been turned up a few notches. I'm not really worried about her getting pregnant before I'm good and ready - she doesn't want to use any underhanded tactics to impregnate herself, and I know I can control things on my end. I'm more worried about the subsequent hurricane that's going to come when I don't intentionally impregnate her. I do want kids, absolutely, but I'd like to at least wait until after the wedding. And save some money up, we can't even afford the wedding as is. My wife is pretty frugal ordinarily, but in this instance she's got the baby blinders on hardcore.

Me: Hey sweet, Grand Theft Auto IV is out.
Her: Another video game? Don't you already have plenty?
Me: I don't have this one.
Her: Yeah, but that's $60 for - what - just going around, killing people and committing crimes? Do you really need to spend that money now?
Me: Well, I suppose I could wait for a little while...
Her: Good. Now, about that baby...
Me: ...And speaking of money, you know children are expensive, right? Like, a bajillion times more expensive than a video game.
Her: You can't really compare the two. A game is just something stupid you do to kill time. A baby is the product of our love. You can't put a price tag on that.
Me: No, but you sure can put a price tag on the product of our love's college tuition.

Amazing how life changes, isn't it? In 5 short months, K-san goes from being a young and carefree girl to an expectant mother and soon-to-be wife. In just 5 short years, I've changed the nature of my game from keep the tiny little hands off my penis and outta by asshole, to keep my sperm outta my wife's eggs. You just never know what curve-ball life is gonna throw at you next.

So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what's been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.

***

Yes, I am actually married now.

"But wait," many of your are saying, "didn't you say September?" Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend...well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I'd had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. ...There really wasn't anything I could say otherwise.

Her: Let's go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We've still got time.
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn't say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won't be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: ....What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^

So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans...so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn't much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I'm having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn't devoted to bills, and even then I'm not sure I'll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that's only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship...so I'm not sure what to do in that regard yet.

They tried to provide a tux for me, but the only ones they had that would "fit" me were ridiculously huge - I looked like a 7 year old kid trying to wear his dad's clothes. Even then, the sleeves and pant legs were a bit short. The fitter meekishly explains - "Well, I just took one look at him (me) and thought I'm gonna need to bring out the biggest size we've got..." So, if I were a foot shorter and 400 pounds, I could still get married in Japan, but apparently no one figured that tall and reasonably not fat guys would be getting hitched. ...What the hell? Again, I am convinced that Godzilla was conceived when a foreigner came to this country for the first time. So I may have to import a tux from America. Not really sure how that's going to work at this point...but we'll see I guess.

***

I mentioned in an editorial a while ago the status of some people from stories past. Many people were disappointed that I hadn't included anything about Moeko. Well then, I shall do so now - she's doing fine, going into her third year of high school (man, how time flies...). Still studying hard, and worrying about the college entrance exams she's going to have to take this year.

***

My Train Crew has changed a bit.

First, Misty is gone. I don't know what happened to her - perhaps she got a new job, and doesn't ride this train anymore. Or maybe she rides at an earlier/later time. Maybe she's not working at all. Maybe she moved all-together. I have no idea. All I can really do is wish her well wherever she is, and continue to dream of the hot sweaty gorilla-in-the-mist sex we might have had one day.

Tats is still around. Since its been winter she's been wearing coats, and I haven't seen her chest tattoo at all. The weather is changing though, so hopefully she'll go back to the tank tops and I can continue trying to figure out what's inked on her chest. ...She still stares at me quite a bit though.

There was a stretch where I didn't see Massive Melon Tits at all. Then one day after a long absence, she got on the train, but had a pretty deep tan. I didn't see her again for another while, but then today actually, she got on the train...wearing a business suit. So from what I can figure, MMT was a college student (which accounts for the irregular schedule at which she rode the train). After graduating, or maybe a bit before, she decided to take a trip somewhere...maybe/probably Australia given the fact that she tanned over the winter. She came back, took another break, and then today started her new company job. ...Does this count as some form of weird train stalking? What, I'm just curious. For any of your Australian readers, I suppose there's a chance you ran into MMT somewhere along the way, and any male Aussies here may actually have, I dunno, porked her. If you did, I hate you. Mail me with details.

At any rate, Magical Motor Mouth is also gone, which fills my soul with joy. And Massive Melon Tits 2 does still occasionally wear the Piccolo shoes.

Okay, new players. There's a guy who I'd noticed catching the train at the same spot I did everyday. He wasn't special at first, until I noticed a few months into winter that he was wearing one of those white surgical masks...everyday.* I know he was sick at one point (I thought he was going to hack his lungs out right there on the train), but everyday? Either this was one hell of a flu, or he was just really paranoid about germs. I have named him Sub-Zero, because of the mask. Yes, given all the people in history/entertainment who have adorned masks...I don't know why I choose Sub-Zero. My own nicknames don't make sense to even me sometimes.

*Yes, Japanese people do wear white face masks when they are sick/want to avoid getting sick. I'm tempted to link this and the way guys here prefer women really young into a Michael Jackson joke, but I'm 99% certain I've done that one before.

I'm trying to start a 7 Dwarves-esque collection. So far I have three - Skinny, Shorty, and Brandy. Skinny is just a girl who is, as her name suggests, really really thin. Not that this is rare in Japan...but Skinny has a big nose, so the combination amuses me. ...Hey, it's 7 in the freakin morning, I have to take my amusement wherever I can get it. Shorty is short, maybe around half my height. Her special feature is a rather prolific forehead. She actually reminds me a lot of Ms. Forehead, the two look a lot alike. Brandy is a woman who is always dressed business-smart. I can't help but to notice her name-brand bags - Hermes, Prada, Louis Vitton. Thus the name Brandy. Brandy's also quite attractive, but any would-be perverted thoughts are dashed away as I look at her bags and realize that a romp with her would probably cost me a small mint.

And finally, a woman who I can only describe as the messiest human being on the planet. I'd swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she was homeless. She has a random collection of knit caps, in the winter she would bundle up with a scarf, gloves, and a coat - and none of these things ever matched each other. Her hair is always a mess. Her shoes also manage to not match anything she's wearing, even in the least. It's not uncommon for one pant leg to be rolled up a little higher than the other. Sometimes she wears headphones, which are like twice the size of her actual head. She looks like a Salvation Army vomited all over her. Thus, I have named her Wreck-Gar, after the Junkion race in Transformers, because I swear to God, that's what she looks like. Its a little depressing to have gone from Misty to Wreck-Gar, but such is life I guess. ...And to fend off any potential questions, no, I wouldn't have messy uncoordinated sex with her.

***

I found out my high school 10 year reunion is coming up in June...wow, it's been 10 years? To me, reunions are really only something you go to to brag to all the people you hated about how successful you are. Well, I'm not that successful, and I didn't particularly hate anyone (extreme apathy is a better word here), so I guess its not important, but I am curious to see what everyone is up to. Unfortunately, unless I swim back to California, no real funds for that.

Thanks to the magic (or curse) of networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, I do already have an idea what most of them are up to. It was funny, I was telling the wife that most Americans don't rush to have kids so soon, that we like to wait until the latter half of the 20's/early 30's or so. I think the very next day, I was showing her some of my old HS classmates on Facebook and MySpace, and I was surprised to find the majority of them already married, and with one or more kids. WTF? Why are people my age already married with kids? How'd that happen? The wife gives me a an extra-bloated "Ha! Told you so!" ...Bastards.

This didn't really help me, as the wife, now with the legal marriage under her belt, is in full BABY MODE. Like, if I told her I wanted to get to work on siblings right now, she'd happily say yes, dive on the bed, and tell me to get to work. I must admit, I do find the urges of fatherhood tempting (the sooner the child is born, the sooner I can send him/her off to the entertainment world and start collecting my commission fee...), however, I still feel its a bit early. I've talked her into waiting until the actual wedding ceremony at least. Her response to this was "Well then, shall we get to work on baby making on our wedding night?"

...Remember, gentlemen, when I told you that Asian women moved at breakneck, ludicrous speeds when it comes to marriage and babies? Did you think I was joking?

I don't feel ready for fatherhood yet (does anyone really ever feel ready?), but I'm not sure how long I can hold her off. I don't have to worry about her punching holes in condoms or putting me in a Ric Flair leg lock just as I hit the peak of our throws of passion - she says that would be a terrible way to bring a child into the world. But as you can see, she can be very persuasive in other ways...

Her: C'mon sweetie, give me your Jesus Gel.
Me: Now? I mean, can't the baby wait for another year or two?
Her: ...So, you don't love me and don't want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?
Me: ...........Shit.

Which means that from now on, unless I become a Hokage-level master of the Pull Out-No-Jutsu, in just a few months time you may be reading Gaijin Smash: Azrael Vs Parenthood.

And if that isn't a sobering thought, then I don't know what is.

Not to take away from the translators abilities. Japanese and English just don't directly match up, and anyone translating into their non-native language is bound to encounter a few problems. But still, these lines struck me as funny, so I wanted to showcase them. ...Also, in a lot of cases, I think the original Japanese was pretty screwy as well.

And one final note - while the translations for clothes catch-copy sometimes provided for great entertainment, the ones I'm focusing on here are all related to condoms, lube, and sex products. Why? Cause I'm a huge perv. Er, man. Same difference.

***

Okamoto new skinless - You'll forget you are wearing it, the girls love it too, in great value pack.

Maybe its just me, but I love how "girls love it too" is just kind of thrown in as an afterthought. "Hey, you're having sex, you're protected, the condoms were cheap...and she might enjoy it too, but who cares about that!"

Some of you may think I'm overreacting here. ...Nope. Talking to some of the Japanese guys in the office, they have that exact sentiment. Let me plug away for 10 minutes or so, get off, go to sleep. If she gets off, fine. If she doesn't, I don't care. Maybe its just me, but if I'm having sex, I want to knock it out of the park. I want to be the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. When the woman is 80 years old and reminiscing about her past sex life, I want her to think "Now that Az fella...boy hardy!" I told this to my co-workers...and they just couldn't understand.

I have a newfound feeling of sympathy for Japanese women.

***

Here's another from the "afterthought" camp...

Okamoto 003 - Wow 0.03mm of thinness, but don't worry they are safe too.

Yeah, that's reassuring.

Son: Daddy, how was I created?
Father: Oh, you know, a magic stork and all that jazz. ...By the way son, NEVER use Okamoto 003 condoms. I'm just saying...

***

Yeah, this sounds appealing...

JEWELS collection - A scented cut that is kind to the girls in value set of 3 different styles.

Reading the Japanese, what they were trying to go for here was "odorless". "Scented cut" makes me think of toilet paper. But hey, I guess you never know when something like this might come in handy...

Gynecologist: My, your crotch certainly does smell wonderful today!
Japanese Girl: Why, thank you! I wiped my ass with scented-cut toilet paper, AND I had sex with a guy who used JEWELS condoms! I couldn't be any fresher!
Gynecologist: Hey, okay!

And what's all this about value sets? The Japanese are pretty frivolous when it comes to money. They turn their noses up at anything perceived as cheap, and flock to the brand names. So, why start skimping on condoms? I don't really feel this is an area that one should be frugal on. But maybe that's just me and my crazy American ways.

***

This is just disturbing.

A set of six uniquely designed condoms. It's fun to choose one, just like picking a favorite toy out of the toy box. "Which one shall I pick tonight?" It helps to create a fresh new love each and every night.

This, I believe, is from the "Toy Memories" condom line. I think I commented before on how damn disturbing this product is. What were they aiming for here? "Oh, this reminds me of when I used to fuck around when I was 8!" or "Oh, this reminds me of that 8-year old I fucked!"

To Catch a Predator: Japan Edition would be like 500 episodes long.

Chris Hansen: Why don't you have a seat.
Japanese Guy: This isn't what it looks like. We were just going to play video games together.
Chris Hansen: ...Right. And what's with the box?
Japanese Guy: What box?
Chris Hansen: What is that...Toy Memories?
Japanese Guy: I thought she would enjoy the bright and festive colors...

Between this and things like "Lolita Confinement Lesbian"...I just don't know what to believe in anymore.

***

Y'know, I'm thinking they should leave the suggestions to the professionals.

WAO gel - Body jelly, rubbing it on her breast feels great too.

"Body jelly", incidentally, is lube. For, y'know, when you want to do the deed but the girl is drier than the Mojave Desert. Or, if you want to go down the highway of love but take the backroad instead if ya know what I mean.

Again, it's sentences like these that make me wonder what kind of oddball sex the Japanese are having.

Guy: This lube is awesome! Why don't I try rubbing it on your breasts as well!
Girl: Sure, go for it! ...Wow, that IS nice!
Guy: Thanks WAO gel!

Then again, this is the country that pioneered bukkake, so...

***

Gel can do this?!

Scandalous rose love jel - Gel desiged to contract and tighten, for a sweet smelling night.

I had no idea. I also have no idea why it makes for a sweet smelling night. I'm half tempted to buy a tube just to see if it actually works.

And again, why the rose smell? Ladies, perhaps you can answer this, because I'm stumped clueless - I can't even think of a time when I was getting to it, and I thought "y'know what would make this sex better? ROSES! FROM HER CROTCH!" But I know that men and women do think differently, so maybe you can explain this one? Would you be more open to having sex with us if we could lubricate your vaginas with a sweet-smelling gel that contracts and tightens? Please, inquiring minds want to know!

***

The last line killed me.

QI magic - Charming scent with just one coating, get even more love.

It will create hot drama.

...Hot drama? Yes. I am so using that from now on. "Hey baby, why don't we go create some hot drama? I'll be the producer, and you can be the grip and sound effects..."

Many foreigners who come to Japan quickly notice the mangled English for the Round 1 amusement center chain - "Do you like bowling? Let's play bowling! Breaking down the pins and get hot communication." Well, there you go - take your new Japanese date bowling, get some of that hot communication, and then when you find she's not properly wet enough for sex make sure you've got some of that QI magic for hot drama.

***
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.

First though, an explanation is needed. This catch-copy line is for a value pack of like 100+ condoms or something. The correct translation of the line goes something like "These condoms will expire 1-2 years after delivery. With the short life-span, its best to buy them up in a group" or something like that. The original Japanese, for those of who studying the language, is - 使用期限はお届けから1～2年です。ちょっぴり短めだから、グループでまとめ買いもおすすめ。 I mean, the sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense anyway, right? "Oh shit, these condoms don't last for very long - I'd better buy a truckload of them!" What, is that supposed to be motivation or something?

Guy: Honey, c'mon...let's do it...
Girl: I'm just not in the mood...
Guy: But I have SO many of these value-pack condoms, and they don't last forever you know.
Girl: ...Well...
Guy: You don't want them to go to waste, now do you?
Girl: I suppose you're right. Let's have sex then. But I'm gonna be dry, so make sure you use some of that WAO gel. I wanna smell like roses afterwards.

That's bad enough. But the way our translator translated it...well...I'll let that speak for itself.

The best before date is within one or two years. We recommend you buy this item with your friends so you can use them up within that date.

Now, how many online shopping sites do you know that actively encourage orgies? Me, I can't think of very many. That's exactly why we're special. Because, we are committed to customer satisfaction, even if that means taboo Roman sex with multiple partners all at once.

Guy: Hey everybody!
Group: What's up?
Guy: Well, I wanted to buy these value condoms, but it'd be best if we all went in on this, right? And they're gonna expire soon, so...hey! Orgy at my place next week?
Group: We'll be there!

Makes Japan sound like a wonderful fantasy land, doesn't it? Trust me, it isn't.

***

The best thing, the VERY BEST thing about this next one, is that grammatically speaking, there's nothing wrong with it.

Recommended for women who lack sufficient moisture for pleasurable sex.

And there you go. If you are a woman who lacks sufficient moisture for pleasurable sex, you should probably buy this gel. We recommend it.

I think this is only funny because we've all been conditioned to expect weird English when it comes to sexual stuff. Between people people who try to dance around the issue, and the porn industry who are wearing the pages out in their thesauruses everyday, you get something as straightforward as this and it just takes you by surprise. I mean, imagine you open up your spam mailbox one day, and you find an email titled "Gentlemen of African descent use their larger-than-average phalluses to uncomfortably penetrate and widen the vaginal orifices of young women of European descent who appear to be adolescent." I mean, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with that mail. Why don't more of the porn spammers use this approach? I wonder what else is in my spam boxes...

"She contentedly ingests a rather voluminous quantity of male semen"

"Women who cohabitate in a university sorority house, and are rather sexually promiscuous, performing cunnilingus on each other while intoxicated"

I think I like this better, actually.

As OP9 doesn't feature a comments system, I'll leave them activated on this post for those of you who'd like to add your $0.02 to the discussion.