I figure, having lived in this country for almost 5 years now, that I've pretty much seen and heard everything. Well, not everything mind you (I don't live in Tokyo), but I think I've had my fair share of knock-you-on-the-floor-WTF moments. From The Greatest Question Ever ("how many women have you raped?"), to Ms. Americanized's "c'mon America, come bomb the shit out of us", and even the one time I was greeted by a 14-year old Japanese girl with "Hey nigga!" only to have the Japanese woman standing next to me exclaim "What the fuck?!", all in English*, I kind of figured there wasn't much else that could phase me anymore.

Boy, was I wrong.

*I'm still amazed that the universe didn't collapse into itself upon this incredibly unlikely sequence of events converging upon each other at one specific point in time.

***

Faithful readers may remember that my wife got a little antsy about marriage when her two best friends, K-san and S-san, both got married at more or less exactly the same time. So now, you're probably figuring that either K-san or S-san got knocked up, which is making my wife antsy about the parenthood thing. You would be close, but continuing with the "God Is Conspiring Against Me" theory - actually its something completely different.

Despite the usual Japanese tendency to get a newlywed wife knocked up as soon as possible, both K-san and S-san don't have any buns in the oven yet. Apparently, with S-san's husband working the typical life of a Japanese salaryman, he comes home tired on the weekdays and unable to do anything*, therefore the two only have sex on the weekends. So, no baby yet.

*While I suppose this is a decent sex life, it goes against my fundamental theory of "If I Can, I Will." The theory goes a little something like this - if I can, I will. It really doesn't matter what state I'm in - dead tired, sleepy, drunk, sick, injured, melancholy, emo, retrospective, whatever. I can be on the brink of death - as long as I can rise to the occasion, I'll do it. I didn't even let my broken collarbone break my stride. I think this is the result of me being sexually frustrated all throughout high school, and college for the most part. I'm like a starving Ethiopian child - can't turn your nose up at whatever scraps might come your way, because you never know when the next meal is gonna be.

So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what's been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.

***

Yes, I am actually married now.

"But wait," many of your are saying, "didn't you say September?" Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend...well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I'd had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. ...There really wasn't anything I could say otherwise.

Her: Let's go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We've still got time.
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn't say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won't be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: ....What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^

So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans...so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn't much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I'm having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn't devoted to bills, and even then I'm not sure I'll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that's only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship...so I'm not sure what to do in that regard yet.

Not to take away from the translators abilities. Japanese and English just don't directly match up, and anyone translating into their non-native language is bound to encounter a few problems. But still, these lines struck me as funny, so I wanted to showcase them. ...Also, in a lot of cases, I think the original Japanese was pretty screwy as well.

And one final note - while the translations for clothes catch-copy sometimes provided for great entertainment, the ones I'm focusing on here are all related to condoms, lube, and sex products. Why? Cause I'm a huge perv. Er, man. Same difference.

***

As OP9 doesn't feature a comments system, I'll leave them activated on this post for those of you who'd like to add your $0.02 to the discussion.

Yes, I do read all my mails. I'm terrible about replying, but if people are taking the time out to write me, the least I can do is read it. I usually think "I'll reply later when I have time", and before I know it six months have elapsed. If it makes you all feel any better, my own mother often complains that I don't answer her emails frequently enough. My own mother!

Anyway, as I'm noticing the same questions popping up over and over, I thought I might like to devote another editorial for a FAQ. Saves everybody time if I answer questions here.

***

And this is a very curious thing. I mean, its one thing to wake up in a hospital bed and have no idea how you got there...but to do so with no pants? How, exactly, does that happen? I was going to have to backtrack a little bit. Today was Saturday...what did I do on Friday night?

That's right...I went out drinking with my co-workers. It wasn't an official company party, but quite a few people ended up going, including our president. We went to a restaurant owned by a neighborhood friend of one of the employees. I'll call this woman...Cindy*. Cindy has a reputation for being quite the drinker around the office, so most of us were kind of bracing for a wild night from her. Also, when she gets drunk, she has a habit of flirting with me heavily, and making all sorts of innuendo towards what would happen between the two of us if I didn't have a girlfriend already. I should point out that Cindy is married; however her husband never seems to come up in the discussions of "I love Az."

*Yes, I know my nicknames are no longer creative. I do not care.

While I'm explaining Cindy, I need to add a word about my supervisor. If you'll recall from the Work Barbecue editorial, this is the same woman who fed me generous amounts of beer and whiskey. She happens to have the same first name as Cindy, so I'll call her Boss Cindy. I find her to be a very, very attractive woman. I think the feeling is somewhat mutual, but for various reasons (not the least of which, my FIANCE) we both hold back. At the restaurant, to accommodate our large group two tables had been moved together. Originally, I sat at one table with both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy, but as the night went on Married Cindy began to make her way down to the other table. This is an important logistics point, so remember it. Also keep in mind that both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy can drink a lot of alcohol.

*Speaking of Ultimate Sweetness and perversion, among the ads that rotate on Empornium, one features a girl who, facially, looks very similar to Ultimate Sweetness. Needless to say, every time this ad comes up its more than a bit jarring. Its made especially worse by the fact that said girl is taking a large cock up her ass. ...I realize the potential for gut-busting kancho-related humor here, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's wrong on every conceivable level, and every time I see that ad my dick retreats like the French, and I'm forced to click away to a website featuring the results from the latest Catholic Nun bowling tournament or something.

How innocent is this woman? Well, once around my desk, me and the guys were talking about drink toasts in the different languages. The Korean guy I sit next to, well known as the established pervert (which is an impressive feat to do in a Japanese workplace, let me tell you...) points out that in English, we "ching" our glasses together. Loyal and astute readers may remember my mistake during my schoolteacher days, when I said "ching" to a group of schoolgirls. "Chin" is the shorthand of "chin-chin" or "chinko" in Japan, which means penis. Or, cock. Or dick. Or, meat sausage. Or, tube steak. Take your pick, there's literally hundreds of words to choose from. Anyway, most of the Japanese people in the office kind of chuckle, as the whole "toast in English is penis!" joke is kinda sorta common in Japan.

Next, I'll get to the point - I am now currently engaged.

After waking up a bit late, we both went out to Arashiyama and took a walk around the Tenryuji temple. For dinner, I took her to a very high-class teppanyaki restaurant on the 17th floor of a fancy hotel overlooking Kyoto city. By this point, she said it was already the best Christmas she'd ever had. I told her I wasn't done yet.

The last part of my plan took us to Kyoto Station. The large sprawling station features romantic lights and a huge Christmas tree. You can also go up to the 11th floor of the station where there's a sky garden overlooking the city. Originally, I'd planned to do it there, but the day was kind of overcast, and then actually looking at it, you kind of come to realize that from an aerial view, Kyoto isn't that pretty. We both went down to the steps near the base of the tree and exchanged our presents. After receiving her gift, I did my proposal. ...Which she actually didn't answer immediately, as she became a crying mess as she marveled over the ring.

Of course, not every Christmas has the happy, It's a Wonderful Life ending.

To my fellow Gaijin who find themselves in Japan during December, or may one day be in a position to be in Japan come December, I really only have one piece of advice for you: GET THE HELL OUT. GO NOW, GO GO GO. As an American, Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. Presents aside, it was just a nice time to come together with family, and the ones that matter most.

Needless to say, Japan's a bit different. Christmas isn't even a real holiday, and is more or less a day for couples. However, the Japanese population that isn't working their butts off probably goes back to their family and loved ones anwyay, and as most other Gaijin use this time as a perfect travel opportunity, Japan can be a very lonely place come Christmas time. Which is part of why I recommend not staying. The other part is that Japan has the annoying habit of repeating George Michael's "Last Christmas"/Mariah Carey's "All I Really Want For Christmas" approximately 15 billion times. Seriously, if you even liked these songs before (do such people actually exist?), you won't after a winter in Japan.

So really, don't stay in Japan during Christmas unless you have a really, really good reason to be here. This year, I can safely say I do. As I said before, it stands to be one of the best moments of my life. But once...well...it was the worst.

I've never really talked about my ex in detail...and I don't know why I'm about to now. For the curious, read on.

Yes, I have written my plans here on a public blog for all to see, but the catch is that it's in English. My girlfriend doesn't understand English. Well, she understands enough to properly smack me if she's within earshot when I say "Man, look at the tits on that girl!", but other than that, she just doesn't speak English. "Well, she'd understand proposal". You might say. You might be right. But you have to remember, she'd have to actively point her browser in the direction of Gaijin Smash, in order to read her boyfriend's blog in a language she can't understand. Sure, she could do that, but as long at the paparazzi are taking candid pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Paris Hilton, as long as Britney Spears and Linday Lohan keep fucking up in the public eye...well...let's just say my girlfriend's time on the internet will be otherwise preoccupied.

Internet aside, she just has no clue. This is something you'll have to trust me on. Perhaps other people would have gotten the hint, but she hasn't. Case in point: when I came back from the secret meeting with her mother, I also had a bag of donuts and a fuckton of Mandarin oranges with me (literally a fuckton: 1.2 on the fucktonnage scale). Why is this relevant?

So, as you all may know, I'm planning on proposing to my current girlfriend this Christmas. We've had some ups and downs, but she's a really good girl who truly loves me. That, and she has yet to innovate any oral sex maneuvers based on sea creatures, so I figure I'm safe. Everyone who meets her says they really like her as well, so I'm trying to use that as a gauge. Everyone who met the infamous ex, absolutely hated her. Even people who only talked to her for like 30 seconds. Which makes me think that she has a nasty pair of devil horns or an aura of Pure Evil or something that only I was oblivious to. How'd that happen, anyway?

Az's Heart: Hmm, something's wrong.
Az's Anxiety: Hmm, something's wrong.
Az's Brain: Hmm, something's wrong.
Az's Penis: Mmm, sweet Japanese tail.
Az's Brain: Hey, are you paying attention down there?
Az's Penis: Nope, and now, neither are you. ULTIMATE VETO POWER, ACTIVATE!
Az's Brain: ...Mmm, sweet Japanese tail.

Anyway, current girlfriend. Proposal. First step was the ring. And before anything else, a GIANT thank you to all donators who pitched in anything at all, to help me buy a ring. Your contributions are very greatly appreciated. Ideally, I'd like to send a thank you email or something to all who donated - realistically, I don't have that kind of time. I'll try, but I can't make any promises. Just know that it's very, very, very much appreciated.

So, back to the ring. We headed out to downtown Kyoto one day to do some shopping. I managed to negotiate some time away from her - one hour. One hour to decide on an engagement ring isn't a whole lot of time, so I had to act quickly. I headed to one of the high-class department stores right off the bat. I found one corner with some really nice, expensive rings. My girlfriend likes simple, and I felt that these rings were simple, yet elegant.

Now, usually when you're casually looking at rings, the sales ladies will be falling over themselves to rush over to you and try to convince you to buy one before the price tag scares you off. I of course, am still big Gaijin in Japan, so the ladies just kind of sideways-eyeballed me wondering what I could possibly want with their jewelry. I finally asked one lady (who looked like a living, breathing, Japanese barbie doll caked in makeup) about the diamond content of one of the rings.

Me: So are these pure-cut diamonds?
Her: Yes, they are. ...Japanese OK?
Me: Yes, Japanese OK.
Her: Oh! Ah, I see. What kind of ring are you interested in?
Me: Well, I'm looking for an engagement ring.
Her: Oh! An engagement ring! ...For your girlfriend?
Me: Yes, that's usually who would receive an engagement ring...
Her: ...Is she Japanese?
Me: ...No, she's a gorilla.* Yes, she's Japanese.

*The truth is out - I'm going to propose to Misty. I must make that hot monkey lovin mine for the rest of my life.

First, updates on the current players. Today, Massive Melon Tits sits on me. SITS. ON. ME.

When I get on the train, initially there are little to no seats. However, at the next stop, a significant number of people get off the train, which means I can usually grab a seat. Having taken this train for almost a year now, I can recognize exactly who is going to get up, and make it a point to stand near them. Massive Melon Tits gets on the train at the next stop...usually, all the people who got on at my stop take all the now-vacant seats, which means that Massive Melon Tits and her group have to fight over the scraps. Usually, MMT doesn't bother to sit down, just stands by the door.

But today, as I grabbed a seat, there were two empty seats next to me (my Gaijin Perimeter at work?). MMT boards the train with a friend, and with the seats still open, they go to sit down, with MMT next to me. I guess she just miscalculated her ass-to-seat trajectory*, and landed right on me. "Sorry" she briefly says, before sliding down off me, but as the seats are now cramped, she's still kind of riding my thigh a little bit.

Now, most vigorous young men would be quite happy to have a big-titted girl sit on their lap. Certainly, I've paid to go to places where women do exactly that. However, as MMT landed on me this morning, the only thing I could think was "Goddayum! This bitch is heavy!" Remember that MMT is a big girl, even by Western standards. I'm sure her mammaries alone are roughly as heavy as Gary Coleman. My thighs still hurt. It makes me wonder about my other black brethren, who love thick girls with big asses. How do you do it? I'm not speaking metaphorically, I mean, how do you have sex with her on top? I mean, I merely got squashed by a larger than average Japanese girl. Unless she wasn't trying to just sit down, but merely torpedo her ass into the seat, which I kind of doubt unless she's also in training for sumo, or professional wrestling. For the guys who love the girls with asses the size of a Pontiac Solstice, how do you survive a sexual romp without getting bones crushed? Maybe I'm not as black as I thought as was...

*Why are so many girls so bad at sitting down? Why would you ever sit down and NOT check where your ass is going first? How do you continually miss? Honestly, I'm just baffled. Maybe its a gender thing? Perhaps the penis acts as some sort of landing stabilizer, giving the buttcheeks a point of reference and helping to guide it to the correct landing spot?

Massive Melon Tits's friend also gets the honor of being Magical Motor Mouth. This girl would not stop talking! She talked and talked and talked, and even when MMT got off the train, she pulled out her cell phone and continued the conversation by email! Thank GOD Steve Jobs invented the iPod, without mine I dunno what I would have done this morning. At one point I stopped my music to see if the conversation was actually anything interesting (say, for example, how much MMT wants to rub her chest across my face...) but I felt all intelligent brain cells in my body being viciously attacked by a conversation so dull and bland, even C-SPAN would refuse to air it.

I can't help but to wonder how Massive Melon Tits and Magical Motor Mouth came to be friends. MMT speaks softly and carries a big chest, and MMM could bore Ben Stein to death with her super-bland conversations. It seems like a Japanese version of The Odd Couple, instead of two feisty old men we've got two young Japanese girls, and one of them has a chest that should be registered as its own prefecture. Not to mention that MMM is like a fraction of the size of MMT. MMT could literally break this woman like Ivan Drago. And don't think I didn't imagine THAT a few times while MMM kept blabbering on.

Female Friend: So I was at this club the other night, and I met this guy, and we hit it off really well. We ended up going back to his place, and we made out and pretty much did everything except sex, because I'm not a slut y'know? Anyway, do you think he likes me?
Me: Um...no. He's just trying to get into your pants dear.
Female Friend: No, I don't think so, I mean, if he was only after that he would have said so, right? So, I'm gonna go out with him again tomorrow, and maybe this is too soon, but I really think he could be The One.
Me: *slaps forehead in frustration*

Now, if you think that convo is pathetic...well, it is. More so for me, for having been subjected to it. If it counts for anything though, after my Nice Guy Revolution I approached this convo with a much different attitude...

Female Friend: So, like, I was at this party...
Me: And you met this guy, you hit it off, and you ended up at his place making out?
Female Friend: ...OMG! How did you know?
Me: Um, lucky guess.
Female Friend: So, what should I do?
Me: Clearly, it's the start of a new, special relationship. You should have sex with him. Immediately.
Female Friend: You think so?
Me: Yeah. Because we guys aren't able to detach sex from emotions, same as you women! If you have sex with him, surely he'll fall in love with you.
Female Friend: Wow, okay, I'll try that!
Me: Also, before he falls asleep after the sex, you should hurry into the kitchen and make him a sandwich. Preferably ham. Because nothing says "You're The One" more than a post-coitus ham sandwich.

During the later years of college, I surrounded myself with more guy friends. But this didn't exactly improve my chances for attending any weddings. Worsened them, actually...

Guy Friend: So I was in my CS class, and I noticed this cute girl sitting next to me.
Me: Did you talk to her?
Guy Friend: Well, I wanted to, but then I remembered that a new Counter-Strike patch was coming out today, so I had to rush home to download it.
Me: ...Naturally.